Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My balls are so social today.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
