i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
