When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize