You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
