I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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