Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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