That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
