Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
