i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
