God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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