I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
