I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
