The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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