The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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