I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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