every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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