My hand turned me down
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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