so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
