Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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