so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
