I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
