Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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