i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
