well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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