a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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