so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize
