I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
