Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
