It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
