goodnight i made you a song goodbye
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
