Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
