For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
