So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
