Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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