So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Randomize
