you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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