I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
