OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
