I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
