??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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