The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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