worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
