the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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