i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
