he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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