It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
