remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
