Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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