Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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