You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
