how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
