I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
