Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
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