someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
