yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
