I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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