Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
